January 23, 2018

Wimpy Mom – Part 2

When Love Is Not EnoughI recently shared about my adventures in revamping some of my less than effective parenting skills with my kids who have reactive attachment disorders. I wanted to share another thing I was taught during that respite therapy week.

This second thing is not so easily identifiable. Mostly it came in the form of timidity, not addressing a situation as it happened  because I weighed the cost. Who wants to get lambasted every time they try to parent, anyway? Or I would do an end run around the subject in hope of circumventing the child behavioral problem of verbal abuse. “Oh I can’t take you to the mall because I have to start dinner”. Reality – “I can’t take you to the mall because you shoplift” which is the real reason but not always the best way to state it. First answer is easier, but just doesn’t seem right even after I have said it. So how to answer?

The second answer is tougher but I learned a skill that instead of saying it in a form of a statement, I can say ‘No’ and then when they ask why, I ask a question.  “Why do think you can’t go to the mall?”  If they say they don’t know, then I ask them what loving mother would let their child go when the child hasn’t thought it through. However if they say “Because I shoplifted the last time I was there” – wonderful!

Why does this work? The person asking the questions has the power. And best of all for us energy-drained moms of RAD kids, they have to use their brain and not ours! After all, isn’t that what are working so diligently with them to do?

Looking for a great resource for parenting Reactive Attachment Disorder kids? Nancy Thomas gives all the answers in her book When Love Is Not Enough. If you’ve got a child that you suspect has RAD, you must get this book!

About the author: By

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Parenting Allies website.

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  1. Gracemarie says:

    Thanks so much for your articles. I have good days and bad. It seems overwhelming. We learn tips, then they seem to go by the wayside and we forget.

    Are you familiar with EMDR? Would you recommend it for RAD kids? Also saw an advertisement for program that helps with parenting. Now I can’t find the name of it. It is a DVD program and you get your money back after you evaluate it. Does that sound familiar? If so, is that a program you would recommend? My two girls at home are teens.

    I need help!

    Thanks again!

  2. Gracemarie says:

    OK, it is the Total Trasformation that you have listed on your sight. Do you think this is effective with teens? Does is work well with the style of Nancy’s book?

  3. I think that the Total Transformation is very effective with teens. I use a combination of both of them with my teens. Like, when my daughter decided she wanted to disobey us and just go to the mall, we said not a problem (Nancy) and that would not be a choice that I would make (Total Transformation). We find that they are good combination for talking to the teens.
    I do recommend EMDR highly. Be sure to find an EMDR counselor though that is also versed in RAD so you don’t set up a triangulation problem.
    You are an awesome Mom! Faint not, fight on!

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Disclaimer: We are not psychologists, counselors, or therapists. We are parents of children with special challenges, and the techniques, tools, and programs we recommend on this website have worked for us on our parenting journey.

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