January 22, 2018

Lesson Teaching

Hi all – how was your weekend? Crazy here. College kid returneth, nephew had senior prom, and our city’s annual nationwide 10k footrace which included my 14+ yr old’s girlfriend and mom from another state. It was great fun and well, hectic! That is where I want to start our chat at the the hectic.

See my 14+ yr old is struggling with our lessons of appropriateness on physical contact with the girlfriend. (Her mom and I are on the same page btw!) We are fairly conservative and think hand holding and arm around the shoulders is ok. Hugging is for hellos and goodbyes. Not his idea though. He is a smoocher and a hugger. And is very resistant to being asked to follow these rules. We have notched up the ante to having to tell him in front of said girl so she gets it too. That still doesn’t work. He gets pouty and goes to his room. I’m thinking – boy, this girl is going to dump you like a yesterday’s breakfast! But not yet anyway.

Well I have been ruminating on Rhona Berens comments in my Disappointment blog and the how to teach lessons keep rolling around in my head. This is her take on teaching lessons – “What are the best ways to teach this lesson? What are the best occasions for that teaching? How do we want to show respect to our kids as they’re resisting lessons and stick to the lessons nonetheless?”.  And my man and I have come up with a few things – my husband wants us to talk to him together and separate from the girl. Explaining (briefly) from mans and woman’s points of view. And reiterate the rule.

Here’s the thing – I am stuck on the show respect when he is resisting the lesson part. We are not yellers or shamers, so respect in parenting comes somewhat naturally. Frustration is our biggest threat. So I am going to throw this out to our readers – what do you think respecting our kids while they are resisting the lesson looks like?

Look forward to visiting more ~

About the author: By

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Parenting Allies website.

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Comments

  1. Talking to them separately is a good idea. It is really hard for us parents to think the best thing to do when we are in this situation. Let them feel that you trust them and try your best to have a god relationship with girl so it easy for you to talk to them.
    Lynne recently posted..Quotes for a New Certified Personal CoachMy Profile

  2. We went through this last summer, though not the touching part, with our son who just turned 13 today when he hooked up with a girl we didn’t approve of. We spoke to him honestly and respectful about our issues with her and why we had a dislike (not so much) for her but her behavior and the fact my son was straying from things he loved like sports, doing his homework (okay) he doesn’t love that lol.

    Then my mother in law said something and I was totally against it. She said she never stopped her kids (my husband) from seeing friends that she didn’t approve of. She just kept reinforcing the family values, expectations her children should have for themselves, putting themselves first and taking care of themselves. She supported them, even if she knew it wasn’t always good for them.

    It was hard but we did this approach. I told myself I trust him to make the right choices. I trust him to love himself enough to not allow things he knows he shouldn’t be doing. It was very hard. Two weeks later he stopped seeing this girl. She was trying to get him to quit sports he enjoyed and that was it for him. It was a choice he made and not one forced on him.

    Definitely a tough lesson to teach, what’s right and what’s not. I wish you all the best of luck!
    Jodi Shaw recently posted..Asperger’s assessment: day two demons in the nightMy Profile

  3. Jodi – I like that. I agree hard for sure! Its the direction we want to go anyway. We haven’t said you can’t hang out with someone with our kids, but do our darndest to encourage them to hang out here! Then we can reiterate our rules, must be out where an adult can easily see you (no bedrooms, closed door tv room, etc).
    Did you tell him you trusted him to make the right choices? I tried that and he said then give me a chance (like let her come in my room – which makes sense if I trusted him, but I don’t really because I caught him making out in the “open” family room around the corner.) Then I said house rules are house rules. Ugh confusing ~

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Disclaimer: We are not psychologists, counselors, or therapists. We are parents of children with special challenges, and the techniques, tools, and programs we recommend on this website have worked for us on our parenting journey.

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