January 23, 2018

I Saw A Picture Of My Daughter Today

I saw a picture of my daughter today, sleeping. She looked so peaceful and happy. How my heart ached for her, missing her as well as wishing her face looked the same when she was awake. Life has taken a turn that a year ago we had not foreseen.

She is my alphabet soup girl; RAD, ODD, SPD, ADD. We saw all of these come to a monstrous head when she hit puberty. And while we had been working on a few of those already, we were faced with hitting the ground running to save this one from falling off the edge. Sadly, it was a little too little, a little too late.

Her choices became so self destructive and abusive to us and our house that we made a last ditch effort. We found her birth mom. Fortunately, she is in a place in her life where she was able to come alongside us and our daughter. So we made the first of two hard decisions.

  1. We sent her to meet her birth family. Her hole in her heart that was meant to be filled by her birth parents love was massive. Questions of who do I look like, why did they leave me, why didn’t they come back for me had driven her for so long. Nothing we could do or find to help filled that void. We sought wise counsel and instead of facing a summer of legal issues , hospital visits, substance abuse, physical and emotional abuse by her, we bought her a plane ticket – one way.
  2. After spending the majority of the summer meeting everyone in her birth family and staying out of trouble mostly, the second choice was clear. She needed to stay. The path of destruction still had its mouth gaping wide open here and there only opportunity for a brighter future. While she is not strong enough (yet, we pray!) to resist the first one, we are hoping she will become strong enough to choose the latter. Time will tell. Right now she is angry and blaming us for ruining her life.

You know those stories of mom’s lifting cars when their kiddo is trapped underneath? Well that is how I feel now. I have done something I never thought I could do – send her away and then not let her return. I found my strength and now I hope she will too. And her peace.

About the author: By

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Parenting Allies website.

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