January 23, 2018

Building Self Confidence in Children: Secrets and Shame

Building Self Confidence in ChildrenBuilding self confidence in children is an animal unto itself. Partly, because we as parents have some responsibility in doing it and partly, because they do too. Self confidence starts at an early age. Not to be confused with selfishness, it is where our children feel they are good enough in the eyes of people who matter. If they don’t, they can turn  inward that they are bad and it will result in shame. It is important to recognize quickly this is happening . Here is a few examples of what can happen as they get older if it isn’t discovered.

Same for a number of others I have known personally who ended up murdering themselves. Our secret selves isolate us and fuel despair.  I am proud that when I directed crisis teams, we kept all we served safe—at least for the time we worked with them and months after.

I am sad that beginning in high school a number of friends ended up committing suicide.  We all shook our heads in disbelief.  For added proofs about hidden selves, think of those who “snap” and go on killing rampages of one sort or another. How often do those who know the person claim surprise or say ” The last person you would think could do something like this.”

Recognizing where this feeling of inadequacy is coming from in your child is the first step in revealing the secret and removing the shame. Are our parent words harmful – “you never do anything right the first time?”.  Are there hateful looks or violence in the home? Are they being compared to others? If none of these are the case, could it be the child has delusions of what a good child is? Do they compare themselves to others?

After this time of discovery, comes a time of rebuilding. It is important that the blame is handled in such a way as getting to the root of the problem to find a healthy solution and redirection. If not, it will only add to the shame.

The above article also gives some ideas on ways to begin building self confidence in our children, without the secrets and shame. A few of these are listed below.

Building Self Confidence in Children: Secrets and Shame

Tip seven: Encourage starring in you life, which is something all can do if they know what really matters. Make sure your life reflects that what matters most is being fair and caring to ALL you meet.

Tip eight:  Make sure your child has others in his or her life who know what matters and who the child can confide in.  By the time a child hits the teen years, most Westernized youth will not talk freely to parents. That someone could be an aunt, an older sibling, a coach, a preacher, a teacher or even a therapist.  Shame is best defeated by being talked about.

Tip nine: Admit your own failures starting when your child is young.  You don’t have to make a big deal, out of your bad deeds, but shame is best defeated when talked about and your leading the way speaks loudly to your children.  Linking to a child’s struggle is best.   See your child is embarassed, turn the spot light on yourself. “I remember when I wanted to drop through the floor once” is a good way to start and best if you can laugh a bit at the you that felt so bad then. Read the full article.

These are also a good starting place before the secrets and shame in your child begins. How will you know where your child’s self confidence level is?  Here is a video with just such information.

Parents are vital in building self confidence in children. There is no way around it. And a job that cannot be taken too seriously because of the resulting problems from the secrets and shame. Are you a positive confidence builder in your child? Click like and go hug your kiddo. If you feel you can use some work here, click like and go hug your kiddo. You have already taken the first step. Good parenting!

About the author: By

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Parenting Allies website.

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  1. This is so on target. Secrets drain us, keep us on edge unless trying to have a surprize birthday party for some. Thank you. My newest E-book will soon be out. Parents are People Too, an Emotional Fitness Program for Parents. Would love if you would review it, let me do a guest post, do a guest post on my blog.

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