January 22, 2018

Boundaries With My Daughter

Boundaries With My DaughterHi All –

Life around this clan has definitely taken an uptick since my daughter has come back to our neck of the woods from a brief respite – needed by everyone!

Now that she was back, though not residing at our home, I knew that I had to change the way I handled things with her. Because I do know the definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over again hoping for different results!). And we had gone down that road a bunch. So what could I change?

After a bit of introspection, I decided I no longer wanted to live in fear of her acting out when she didn’t hear what she wanted to hear or get to do what she wanted to do. Part of this took place naturally in my book because she is 18 now and I am no longer actively in the parenting mode with her. That was a start!

I realized in order to keep the calm and peace of mind we had reclaimed, I was going to set some boundaries. Now before you get started, I must confess I wasn’t great with this – see above reason. And my first boundaries were with me.

First, no longer did I offer unsolicited advice. And for her, she was proof of the adage that ‘unsolicited advice sounds like criticism’.  If she wants my opinion, I would either ask her or wait to be asked. Otherwise, zip it!

Second, my boundary again, I did not pry into her life. That means no asking if she completed something, called someone back, paid for something, etc. This only caused heartburn and arguments in the past and I came out as the great enabler. So lesson learned, me butting out and her with life’s good old-fashioned natural consequences. And successes, which are self-esteem builders, you know!

Finally, me AGAIN, her choices are not my concern. Smoking, partying, running with a fast crowd, all her choices and consequences. No nagging zone! She is not stupid by any means and I don’t need to harp on the obvious.

There they are – and I must gladly say, things are going along fairly well – woo hoo!

Next stop, boundaries with this one who is an adult child – part of the family and has flown the nest. Wish me luck!

Chat soon!

About the author: By

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Parenting Allies website.

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Comments

  1. Glad to know that everything are doing so well now. Setting boundaries is not only for children but also for us parents. If we really care a lot in so many things in our children’s lives, we don’t usually notice that we are already far beyond, that they think that we are controlling them as a puppet. Lets just trust them and be there always when they need us.
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Disclaimer: We are not psychologists, counselors, or therapists. We are parents of children with special challenges, and the techniques, tools, and programs we recommend on this website have worked for us on our parenting journey.

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